By St. Sukie de la Croix

Contributing Writer

I’ve just read about Gary Stewart, a gay man in Manchester, England, who has pleaded guilty to trying to poison his neighbors, Marie Walton and Beverley Sales, a lesbian couple. The neighbors had been fighting for years–one time Stewart kidnapped the lesbian couple’s three-legged cat and dumped it in a village several miles away. In the end Stewart offered his neighbors some leftover curry as a peace offering, but luckily the wily gals noticed it was laced with poisonous pellets used to kill garden slugs.

There are more efficient ways to hasten the demise of annoying lesbian neighbors like starting a rumor that Rachel Maddow has gone straight. The shock would kill them. All over the world dead lesbians will be slumped over the Bowflex in their basements, a multi-national, multi-cultural Jonestown of plaid-shirted dykes floating face-down in a rec. room sea of Ani Di Franco and Tracy Chapman CDs.

Or tell them Crafty Beaver is going out of business.

The truth is that most gay men don’t want to get rid of their lesbian neighbors: who’s going to dogsit when we go for a long weekend in Saugatuck? Who’s going to fix our leaky pipes? Who’s going to help us construct the Assemble-It-Yourself animal cage for our dungeon? Who’s going to bury the Jehovah’s Witnesses after we’ve lost our temper and whacked them over the head with a tire iron? Oh yes, we need our lesbian neighbors.

The neighbors we don’t need are heterosexual twosomes who have completed some form of bizarre cross-gender copulating ritual and produced Dr. Evil Mini-Mes of themselves. Some people call them “children” but I think of them as “little bags of shit.” I’m not a big fan of the human race as it is, but the little ones are particularly annoying. Here’s the problem: Straight people should not be allowed to raise children. They’re clueless. Straight people turn their kids into supersized lumps of pendulous flesh that suck up TV garbage like Hannah Montana, demand immediate gratification, and at some stage mutate into morbidly obese ill-mannered, repulsive-to-look-at, drooling junkies like Rush Limbaugh. Meanwhile, somewhere along the happy trail the parents have gone through an ugly divorce, remarried and are now embarking on a second pointless marriage, producing more Dr. Evil Mini-Mes, while the first set of Mini-Mes turn vengeful, emotionally toxic, become Born-Again Christians, strangle prostitutes with their panties and dump them on the side of highways.

Only gay folks should raise kids. I propose that outside of every city we build a walled educational facility, a sort of Guantanamo Gay, with names like Cherville, Bette Davis Springs, or Ellenford. Babies should be sent there at birth and schooled by gay teachers. At age 21 the students will attend a “coming out into society” debutantes ball, that’s after they’ve passed exams in the five fundamentals: 1) They must have impeccable manners; 2) Have skills that contribute only beauty and light to society; 3) They must be attractive, have excellent deportment and treat the world as a runway; 4) They must wake up every morning and choose a character in a classic black and white movie and play that part all day; and 5) The most important thing for those entering society is knowing when to shut the fuck up. And that would be when I’m speaking. When my lips are moving, that’s your cue to shut the fuck up, listen and learn.

Contact St. Sukie de la Croix at stcroix@chicagowhispers.com or you can find him on facebook.

Contact St. Sukie de la Croix at stcroix@chicagowhispers.com or you can find him on facebook.